13 things I wish someone had told me when I was 13

By Hannah Bundock

Puberty isn’t an easy time to be a girl. Hair starts growing in annoying places, the arrival of spots mean that you’re experimenting (usually unsuccessfully) with make-up and you suddenly have a ton of emotions that you just can’t deal with. Yep, being a teenager can suck, so here are a few things to help you out on your journey to womanhood. Things I really wished I’d known…

Never dry shave

And especially never dry shave and then put on deodorant! You may as well rub stinging nettles under your armpits. It hurts! There is always time to do a proper wet shave. Always!

Never shave an unconventional place

You won’t be the first ill-informed youth to think it’s a great idea to shave your arms, stomach or eyebrows…it’s not. There is a reason it hasn’t caught on. As too many of us know, once you shave one of these areas the hair never grows back the same. It grows through thick dark and furiously, so much so that you are condemned to a life of plucking evermore. Honestly don’t do it.

Never wear new knickers when you’re due on

It seems obvious but so many of us forget this, even us ‘grown ups’. When you’re due on it’s strictly granny panties. No new underwear, nothing white, just gross old pants. Trust me it’s really irritating when Aunt Flow ruins your favourite pair of pants.

Never use a tampon just because you’re due on

Pulling out a dry tampon like..

Another period one, but really they should teach you these things in school! Never use a tampon unless you are actually on your period. When I was young, I made the fatal error of using a tampon just in case I came on in my lesson. Removing a dry tampon is ridiculously painful; genuinely thought I’d pulled out a fallopian tube or something.

You can only use being on your period as an excuse to get out of P.E so many times

Teachers are cleverer than students give them credit. Believe it or not, even the men are aware that periods only come once a month. Therefore you have to use this excuse sparingly.

Never send a love letter to your teacher

Not something I’ve done personally, but I know people. Sadly your love for Mr Dreamy Eyes the Maths teacher is going to be unrequited.  To him you are his student and worse than that, you are a child. He’s never going to think of you that way. Save yourself an embarrassing day talking about your feelings in the headteachers office and tear up that note!

It’s not a race to lose your virginity

There is no rush to have sex. It doesn’t make you grown up or cool despite what some of your peers may think. Plus when you’re actually an adult, nobody cares. Wait until the right time with the right person. And if he/she isn’t willing to wait, they’re not the right person. Simple as that. Also, the kids in your class talking loudly about their sexual conquests… they’re lying.

An orgasm should feel amazing

 

So when you do find the right person (and you’re aged 16 or over) and the time is right, sex should feel good. Well, not the first time, that’s usually awkward and a bit painful, but after that. You will know when you have had an orgasm. If you’re not sure, you haven’t had one.

Foundation isn’t always the answer

That spot on your face, it isn’t that big. It only looks big because it’s on your face and you’re staring at it in the mirror and therefore you think it’s huge. The rest of us didn’t even notice it. You don’t have to cover up every blemish, it’s good to let your skin breath a bit. But if you do decide to use foundation please, please match it to your skin tone. Having a giant orange face on top of your ghostly white neck is far more noticeable than your tiny zit. Why do they even sell foundation that colour?

Eyeliner is an art

Eyeliner, especially liquid eyeliner is tricky. It looks so easy to put on, but it’s not. It takes practice, lots of practice. Never try and rush it, because it will inevitably go wrong and don’t try to put liquid eyeliner on your bottom eyelid unless you’ve reached expert level. If not you’ll spend the next 20 minutes trying to fish black globs of make-up out of your eye. If you do successfully apply your eyeliner, be sure to take it off before bed. It’ll only take you 5 mins and it’ll prevent you from looking like a member of Kiss in the morning and from future eye pain. Trust me.

Sneaking alcohol out of the house

Stealing a small amount of Mum and Dad’s alcohol seems like a clever idea, but it’s not. You will never be brave enough to sneak out enough to even get yourself tipsy whilst sitting in the park with your friends. Plus your Mum will know… Mums know everything.

Don’t aspire to be one of the cool kids

I know that they have loads of friends, they wear the right clothes and they always seem to be laughing, but you don’t need to be like those kids. Be yourself, find your own little group of friends and stop trying so hard. In the real world (the adult one) the ‘cool kids’ aren’t any more successful than the rest of us. Plus, the older you get the more you’ll realise that those kids aren’t actually that happy. They fall out amongst themselves all the time and bitchiness is rife. You don’t need that drama.

You’ll be fine

It may seem like the world is ending today and that nothing will ever be ok again, but it will. You’ll be fine. Next year you won’t even remember the things that are stressing you out today. A lot of what you are feeling at present are hormones and they eventually settle down.  Hang in there. It does get better.

Five things my adult self does not give a fuck about anymore

By Kelsey Champion

I’d like to say I was an introverted, angsty teenager; but actually I was a gobby little bitch. I mean, now I’m a gobby big bitch but that’s neither here nor there.

The thing is with being a teenager, is that everything is a big deal! There is so much pressure to fit in or be ‘cool’ – and the fact that I instinctively put the word cool in quote marks leads me to believe that I never was and never will be it.

I’d love to reach back in time and slap my 16 year old self round the face and shout “get a grip! None of this matters!”

Here’s a list of things I realise I used to care about, but now frankly I haven’t got a single fuck to give.

 

Pooping

Yep. I went there. I know I’m not alone in saying at school or college, there was NO WAY you’d answer nature calling on the back door. If anything, the girls in my school pretended it wasn’t a thing. Someone I know had to go to hospital because she wouldn’t even pee at school; she gave herself a nasty infection. In all honesty, I don’t know how true that is but for the sake of argument, let’s say it is.

Now, however, certain friends and I talk about it openly. One friend, who for the purpose of anonymity let’s call… ok I can’t think of another name, it’s Georgia… Sulky Bitch Editor, Georgia and I talk openly about it; when we are, when we can’t, when someone walks in after and you stand there proud as punch. Pooping at work is a particular favourite. (Ed’s note: Don’t forget hangover poop!)

Anyway, the point is pooping in public is no longer something I give a fuck about.

Body hair

I’m a busy girl with a thriving social life and a demanding job which gets a lot of my attention, small details like a bit of leg hair are not something I care about!

[Read busy girl with a thriving social life and a demanding job which gets a lot of my attention as ‘lazy girl with an addiction to Netflix and sitting down’.]

Some might say its ‘gross’ or ‘unladylike’ but let’s be fair, look at how many times I’ve said fuck in this post so far, did you ever really think I was ladylike?

Also, ‘ladylike’ can fuck itself. There’s no such thing. See this post if you think it is.

Early nights

I used to force myself to stay up late because going to bed before midnight was lame. Sleeping felt like a waste of my valuable time so I would do my best to stay awake as much as possible. This in turn meant that I would oversleep in the morning and then start the cycle all over again. But now if I want to go to bed, I’m going. Even if its 7pm; if the Sandman visits I am sure as shit going to sleep.

Wobbly thighs

Hello, I’m a real life human female. I’m a firm believer (the only time I can use the word ‘firm’ to describe myself) that there are many more important things whether you can fit in TopShop clothes or look good in a bikini. For the record, no I can’t and hells yeah I do – respectively. Now before I go any further, nothing I am saying is body shaming. If you are stick thin and HEALTHY then you’re gorgeous. If you are more voluptuous and HEALTHY then you’re gorgeous too. If you’re covered in scales with chronic flatulence and a tail and are HEALTHY then you are also gorgeous. I don’t believe a person’s size matters as long as they’re looking after themselves. Ok got it? Good.

I couldn’t care less if my thighs wobble when I walk. If you don’t like how it looks, well look at my face, if you don’t like that either, well… fuck yourself. My wobbly thighs aren’t hurting anyone – except when I’m in shorts and I get a touch of chub rub – so why should I feel the need to cover up or feel self-conscious about them?

Being a bitch

Some people look at a bossy man and think he is dominant, powerful, strong – all positive connotations. A bossy woman, however, is a bitch. If I think I can do something well, I’m going to. I believe if I have an opinion about it that I am well within my right to discuss it, however more often than not I will keep it to myself. But I’m slowly starting to learn that I have a voice and I have the right to use it. This blog is a particular outlet for such things. That does not make me a bitch. Being powerful and taking charge is not a bitch… if you think it is then I will show you what a bitch really is. I’m devilishly good at it.

Do you follow Sulky Bitch on Twitter? Well, you should! Tweet us your thoughts about this post. Anything you used to think was the end of the world but now you frankly couldn’t give a fuck? Let us know!