By Kelsey Champion
I’d like to say I was an introverted, angsty teenager; but actually I was a gobby little bitch. I mean, now I’m a gobby big bitch but that’s neither here nor there.
The thing is with being a teenager, is that everything is a big deal! There is so much pressure to fit in or be ‘cool’ – and the fact that I instinctively put the word cool in quote marks leads me to believe that I never was and never will be it.
I’d love to reach back in time and slap my 16 year old self round the face and shout “get a grip! None of this matters!”
Here’s a list of things I realise I used to care about, but now frankly I haven’t got a single fuck to give.
Pooping
Yep. I went there. I know I’m not alone in saying at school or college, there was NO WAY you’d answer nature calling on the back door. If anything, the girls in my school pretended it wasn’t a thing. Someone I know had to go to hospital because she wouldn’t even pee at school; she gave herself a nasty infection. In all honesty, I don’t know how true that is but for the sake of argument, let’s say it is.
Now, however, certain friends and I talk about it openly. One friend, who for the purpose of anonymity let’s call… ok I can’t think of another name, it’s Georgia… Sulky Bitch Editor, Georgia and I talk openly about it; when we are, when we can’t, when someone walks in after and you stand there proud as punch. Pooping at work is a particular favourite. (Ed’s note: Don’t forget hangover poop!)
Anyway, the point is pooping in public is no longer something I give a fuck about.
Body hair
I’m a busy girl with a thriving social life and a demanding job which gets a lot of my attention, small details like a bit of leg hair are not something I care about!
[Read busy girl with a thriving social life and a demanding job which gets a lot of my attention as ‘lazy girl with an addiction to Netflix and sitting down’.]
Some might say its ‘gross’ or ‘unladylike’ but let’s be fair, look at how many times I’ve said fuck in this post so far, did you ever really think I was ladylike?
Also, ‘ladylike’ can fuck itself. There’s no such thing. See this post if you think it is.
Early nights
I used to force myself to stay up late because going to bed before midnight was lame. Sleeping felt like a waste of my valuable time so I would do my best to stay awake as much as possible. This in turn meant that I would oversleep in the morning and then start the cycle all over again. But now if I want to go to bed, I’m going. Even if its 7pm; if the Sandman visits I am sure as shit going to sleep.
Wobbly thighs
Hello, I’m a real life human female. I’m a firm believer (the only time I can use the word ‘firm’ to describe myself) that there are many more important things whether you can fit in TopShop clothes or look good in a bikini. For the record, no I can’t and hells yeah I do – respectively. Now before I go any further, nothing I am saying is body shaming. If you are stick thin and HEALTHY then you’re gorgeous. If you are more voluptuous and HEALTHY then you’re gorgeous too. If you’re covered in scales with chronic flatulence and a tail and are HEALTHY then you are also gorgeous. I don’t believe a person’s size matters as long as they’re looking after themselves. Ok got it? Good.
I couldn’t care less if my thighs wobble when I walk. If you don’t like how it looks, well look at my face, if you don’t like that either, well… fuck yourself. My wobbly thighs aren’t hurting anyone – except when I’m in shorts and I get a touch of chub rub – so why should I feel the need to cover up or feel self-conscious about them?
Being a bitch
Some people look at a bossy man and think he is dominant, powerful, strong – all positive connotations. A bossy woman, however, is a bitch. If I think I can do something well, I’m going to. I believe if I have an opinion about it that I am well within my right to discuss it, however more often than not I will keep it to myself. But I’m slowly starting to learn that I have a voice and I have the right to use it. This blog is a particular outlet for such things. That does not make me a bitch. Being powerful and taking charge is not a bitch… if you think it is then I will show you what a bitch really is. I’m devilishly good at it.
Do you follow Sulky Bitch on Twitter? Well, you should! Tweet us your thoughts about this post. Anything you used to think was the end of the world but now you frankly couldn’t give a fuck? Let us know!
Sulky Bitch 