By Anna Hook
The human experience is vast. People take such different paths in life, and even if outwardly it seems similar, I can guarantee emotions and personalities make even the simple things vary wildly from person to person. There are very few things you can be absolutely certain of. You just can’t understand other people and the lives they lead. Even the line ‘only two things are certain, death and taxes’, isn’t accurate…..*cough* google *cough*.
That said, there are three things that I can say without a doubt. These three things are universal and I speak for all women. 1) you have (at least) one boyfriend/girlfriend that ruined your life for a period of time. For ease we shall refer to this cockwomble as ‘Steve’. 2) if you have a baby, you will love that tiny thing unconditionally and nothing will make you more content than their squishy face. 3) your baby, your little bundle, the light of your life, is a far bigger dickhead than your ex. You might query my number three, but it’s true. Here is why.
- Your baby takes all your food. That last cake you wanted. The crispy corner bit of the lasagne. Not yours. That’s for your kid now. Yup. And they won’t even appreciate it. They’ll chew it and spit it out and cry for whatever you’ve got. At least Steve always ordered good food you could eat from his plate. And calories from other people food doesn’t count (well known fact) so his chocolate was fat free. The guy might’ve been a twat, but you always got the last slice of pizza.
- Your child is brutal. Expect a lot of “mummy, why are you so hairy” and “mummy, your bum is MASSIVE.” At least your ex whispered those sweet lies, “of course you don’t look fat in that”.
- Your baby doesn’t care how much they upset you and there is nothing you can do about it. You had the option to kick Steve to the curb after you found out he was sending dick pics to the slag from his office AGAIN. Ignore his apologies, eat Ben and Jerry’s, and after 6 months and maybe keying his car, you’re over him. There is no getting over your baby. Your baby will leave you in a crumbling heap on the floor because they have told you again that they don’t love you. They won’t care if they break the vase that was a family heirloom or lose the first thing hubby ever got you. Your baby considers you less than Steve ever did. That includes when he was chasing skirt at the work Christmas do.
- The scars are visible. Sure Steve left you with crippling trust issues and a jealousy problem that means your other half has to sleep on the sofa every time the PPI sales call is made by a woman, but all that is bottled up under the surface just like it should be. The scars from your baby are right on the surface. Sure most people won’t see the episiotomy scar, but the one on your head that you got after a twatting with the unreasonably heavy batman figure……everyone can see it. No amount of drinking will cover it up like Steve’s wounds, and your eyebrow will never grow the same again. Sorry love.
- Your baby is ultimate bad penny. Steve showed up once a year, sent the odd I Miss You text but eventually he fucked off. Your baby won’t do that. He will never leave. Right now baby ruins date night with a shitty nappy. In 30 years date night will be ruined by a plea for money or unexpected grandchild babysitting. It will never end.